Time Consuming

From way down deep in the bowels of my mind I dislodged a case of Clock Radio Rage and delivered it to the forefront of the -take action- part of my brain.

Now, I’m sure, not in a million years my clock radio would ever be suspicious that the guy who pays the electric bill every month to keep it running would be the person that would end it's life. It's the guy that stood watch 24/7, 365 days a year. The guy who had the easy to read hours and minutes all bright and shiny for you to look at, after you had taken a leek in the wee hours of the night. Clearly announcing that you had either X number of hours of blissful rest to look forward to or X hours of tossing and turning waiting for break of day. When I look back at last nite, in retrospect and look at my badly beaten radio. I was beginning to feel a little remorseful but not for long. So Jack, what caused this supposedly placid, elderly guy to have a full blown case of Radio Rage? Well I think it had been building in me for sometime as I reflect back 3 or 4 months ago to a day when my old 20th century user friendly clock radio of many years took a dump. This clock of many years had a dial that you turned to the hour you wanted to awake and also displayed clearly whether it was A.M or P.M. And there was an easily recognizable alarm button that UP meant ON and DOWN was OFF and a well lighted clock face. Retirement for me is not and option as I surely love what I do. That means a trip to Big Wally. That blue behemoth that reminds me of a prison but they have 1 of everything imaginable and good parking. It imprisons you until you have bought something to keep Walmart’s bank account in good health. Clock Radios must not be a big mover in this wonderland of stuff so I thought to myself; could I really survive if there was no clock radio to be found? I think so. The question then became what could I not live without. Hum I guess that would have to be a gallon of Gatorade, some Milk Duds and a roll of toilet paper.

But I’ve got to get up in the morning, so where are the clock radios? ah there they are hidden away in the house hold section. My selection is limited to 3 makes and none really saying “take me, take me” Because I’m not going home empty handed I quickly pick the one with the middle price to go along with my need to get out of this palace of stuff before I buy something else. Zera and I usually watch the 11 o’clock news then to bed. My first felling that frustration was going to be waiting for me was when I took my nice looking Clock Radio out of the box with a set of instructions written with microscopic print. To hell with trying to figure out how it all works, I’ll settle for the correct time which I was able to accomplish. I plug it in and head for slumber land. My bladder awakens me about 2 in the morning. Looking over at my new time keeper I squint at a very dim, so dim, that I need a flashlight to read the time. The next time you will see me is walking to Big Wally’s the next day, returning my sorry assed middle of the road Clock Radio. "Zera where do I find a Clock Radio?" she says “ let’s try Target.” Another behemoth only it has a big red target to mark the spot where my future to a nice nights sleep was waiting. Well this time the selection was a little better I think there was 5 to choose from. Again I made my choice with a “middle of the road-er” I usually wake up around 6:30am. But I wanted to be sure so I plugged in my new friend that is supposed to keep me on time. Dang! the instructions are the same as the last clock. The printing is microscopic and after reading them over several times I’m still not sure of what I’m doing and a certain amount of irritability is building in me. Sauntering to the John to relieve my self my Clock has nice bright numbers and and the correct time. With the arrival of a new day I decide it’s time, to set the alarm. A most difficult series of instructions follow but I feel the time has arrived to put my college diploma to the test. Will 5 years of study enable me to set my alarm clock correctly? It’s now the time to relive last night. Last night was a very normal bedtime journey that had me brushing my teeth, taking a few pills to hold back the ravages of time but a perfect storm was brewing in my mind. I’m sound to sleep when my wife shakes me awake to tell me that the alarm clock that I didn’t think I set was buzzing. So I groggily reached for the stop button and after much tapping all over my clock radio the noise finally quit. I’m laying awake when I notice 2 bats swooping and diving over my head. I want tell them that the insects that they are looking for are outside but they weren’t listening. I soon grew weary of this one sided conversations as they continued to swoop and dive when sleep overhauled me. My wife is again shaking me awake “your alarm clock is buzzing” that’s it as the lyrics of an old time western song took hold of me. 'Big John sent a Louisiana man to the promised land from a crushing blow by a big right hand.' And with my right hand I caved in the top of my clock radio and then for a moment I had a feeling of elation. Then Zera said "why didn’t you just unplug the clock?" To me that was not enough punishment for a clock that technology of 21st century had built for the cell phone generation only and they forgot about me.

What happens when you annoy a clock? It gets ticked off.

My crushing right hand was now bleeding on my side of the bed. How appropriate to end this saga with my wife saying “let me put a Band-Aid on that cut” While I still need a clock radio, this time I’ve left the selection to my daughter Lilly and Amazon. It will be here in 2 days. What happens if this new clock is no better? Then the antique store will be my next stop.

See ya,

Jack